waiting for life

I decided instead of waiting for my broken digital camera to be fixed, that I would just write on here without pictures. I've love looking at all blogs. But I especially love when people pour their heart out, or are just honest with how they feel. The people's blogs I read are so good at writing it out. I'm not so expressive, but I can try.

It seems like when you are a girl trying to have a baby there are so many different "baby" things that cross your path. And it's funny how you can prefectly handle things sometimes, but other days you feel totally incapable. of it.

"baby showers"--usually fine. I love to see the happiness on my friends' faces

"friends who announce they're pregnant that got married after me". This one has been tough lately. I really want to know though! I hope no one will think they can't tell me. I just tend to think there's something wrong with me, or wrong with our little family's beginning. I know there's not. I love that people are having kids. I know that I'm supposed to be learning something by waiting.

"when i get emails of sonograms from college friends I haven't heard from in months and didn't know they were prego"
This one can go either way. I think if I were 21 or 23, this would be different. I wouldn't care that it's going to take at least a year for this to happen. But I've become obsessed with comparing my age to people I know. I'm just about 26. "My sister had 2 kids by that time." This is a pointless exercise. I know so many people start their families later and they still have several kids. Still, this one has made me sob on a bad day.

"Turning 26 on Mother's Day this year." This could be a doosie. I don't know. I have been doing fine thinking about it because I think I'll be distracted by my birthday.

"Learning that someone I know has infertility." This one has made me admire people for their strength. I think that I could have it worse and have health issues. Or I think maybe I will eventually find how I have infertility too. But I just feel selfish and dumb for worrying about myself. It's so good to hear how other people get rhough things. And people are amazing. And I need to not freak out this early in the game.

"Hearing about pregnancies where people get deathly ill." This makes me be realistic that pregnancy won't be a cake walk. And it makes me ralize how selfish I am with my eating and sleeping habits that I choose. And how wimpy I am when i get a sore throat.

"My sister coming to town with her two month old baby boy" --It felt weird to hold him knowing that I could be responsible for a little person. I will be so awkward with it at first! it's kinda intimidating. But I loved holding my little nephew. I'm baby hungry and you gotta love those motherly instincts.

I'll end this now. Basically, I'm glad I teach high school because it's so distracting from other problems in my life. In fact, deciding to teach again next year has made me excited to travel for training this summer. And that has been a distraction. And thinking about waiting to try for a little while so I don't have a baby right in the middle of the school year in January. I have a lot to be grateful for. A baby will come at the right time,I suppose. I just wish I could be happy any time I encounter baby stories. Eventually I will. Evcntually.